15 August 2011

When She Wants You to Lead

I spent a good portion of this past weekend spending time with a girl.  During this time, I faced a fitness test that I wasn’t quite prepared for, mostly because I had never experienced anything like it before.  By way of background, the test came while were spending the morning and early afternoon just hanging around downtown.  I was interested in checking out some record shops I stumbled upon the day before (and, for what it’s worth, ended up buying several records).  We also went to an art museum.  While we were in one of the record shops, she mentioned that she was feeling a little hungry.  I ignored this because I was busy flipping through Wilco LPs, and then she mentioned a restaurant that was famous among the locals.

We then went to the art museum because I didn’t want to risk spending all my money on records.  As we came out of the museum, she asked me if I was hungry.

Me (in a fit of foolish honesty):  Not really.

Her:  Do you want to go home and eat?

Me: I don’t care.

Her:  blah blah blah A bunch of other options that didn’t interest me blah bl-

Me (having finally realized what was really going on): Let’s go to restaurant X and stop overanalyzing lunch options.

Her: *swoon*

The way Roissy Heartiste described fitness tests led me to believe that all women are shrieking harpies that need to be put in their place.  As such, I’m constantly on the lookout for stupid/unreasonable requests that test just how much of a chump I am.  The test I faced this past weekend, though, was somewhat different in nature.  It was undeniably a fitness test because she wanted me to take the lead.  It wasn’t like a “normal” fitness test, however, in that it was not presented in an unreasonable manner.  She was hungry and wanted me decide what to do about it.  Since she wasn’t a bitch about it, I was almost blindsided by it.  Still, I passed it and, just to be safe, spent the rest of the afternoon negging her relentlessly.

The moral of this story is that you, as a man, need to constantly be looking for ways to take the lead when you’re with a girl.  And, when a girl wants you to take the lead, you had better do so.  Especially when she asks nicely.

Coda:  This incident reminded me of a wonderful post by Athol Kay that I can’t seem to find.  It was written in Springish of last year, and was about something like but not necessarily how he would end up in a submission deadlock with his wife when she asked where he wanted to go out to eat.  He literally didn’t care where they went, so he would defer the choice back to her, and she would defer back to him, and so on ad infinitum.  Anyway, he managed to end this by simply making a decision, which then ended up making both of them happier.  Basically, the point was that the man should simply take the lead on these things and not get caught up in making her happy about restaurant choice because what makes her most happy is simply following her man's lead.  I’m pretty sure that having read that post way back when is what helped me to recognize this test and pass it successfully.  It’s like the fifth paragraph of this post, but longer with more detail.  If anyone knows the specific post I’m referring to, share it in the comments.


  1. I must admit that I do it all the time now. I ask her what she thinks and then make the call. She's much happier as a result.

  2. This is "normal". The fact that the manosphere has redefined "normal" to mean "demanding and bitchy" says more about the archetypical manosphere blogger than about women.

    My biggest objection to most "Game"-theorists is that, in their obsession on the mating rituals of the bar scene, they overemphasize the outsized and unreasonable shit-tests (to which the rational response by a man who wants something more than a roll in the hay with the girl in front of him is "thanks, but no thanks...life's too short to hang around with bitches") and thus naturally obscure the more common opportunities to man up, like this one. Not all in the manosphere suffer from this problem, of course (Althol Kay is probably the most notable of the exceptions, for example), but it still colors a lot of thinking on the inside, and utterly dominates how we're seen from the outside.

    I wouldn't even necessarily assume it was a "test". She was hungry, but didn't much care where to eat. But even if it's not a test, you can still fail.

    Congratulations on passing.

  3. The post you're referring to his here, and you really do have to be on the look out for it. If you're not naturally a decision maker, or if you often find yourself in situations where you honestly have no preference, this kind of thing can happen all the time.

  4. @SP- I think leadership is mostly in the little things, like this.

    @Matt- I think she was just wanted me to lead. She's more than capable of doing what she wants without my permission or advice, so I'm pretty sure the reason she asked me is because she wanted me to make the decision. Since I am not at all picky when it comes to food, I almost made the mistake of getting into a mutual submission deadlock, which tend to not end well.

    Also, we are agreed on Athol Kay. He's the the best relationship blogger as far as I'm concerned. Although, to be fair, I did learn a lot from the blogger formerly known as roissy.

    @Leonidas- Thanks for the link. That was exactly the post I was thinking of. My biggest problem is that I generally do not care about a lot of things, so deciding what to do or what to get is not something that I like to do. I guess I'll have to work on it.