A woman writes Dan Savage for relationship advice:
I turn to you now for advice. Five months ago, I married the man of my dreams. He was driven, hardworking, loving, and happy. We had amazing, cosmic, and connected sex, and we enjoyed pleasing each other. We have been together for a little over a year. I realize now that it was WAY too soon to get married, but I let my romantic side get the best of me, and so here we are. We are miserable. Now when it comes to sex, it’s the furthest thing from my mind. When it does happen, it’s very one-sided. I rarely get off, and if I do, it’s on my own after he finishes because “it’s too much work” to get me off. That’s problem one.
Problem two is that on our wedding night, he broke his foot and couldn’t work as a result. After his foot healed, he quit his job. He told me he “didn’t want to do that kind of work anymore.” So now I work an exhausting full-time job, support both of us on a salary barely big enough for one, and come home every day to a filthy apartment. Here’s what my husband does all day: plays video games and jerks off to porn. Every time I broach the subject of him getting a job or picking up after himself, all hell breaks loose. I have brought up marriage counseling, because lately neither of us is the best at respectfully communicating, and his response is “You can go, but I’m not going.” I thought about withholding sex until he finds a job, but I don’t know how big of a threat that poses as we have sex MAYBE once a week as it is. I would appreciate any advice you have for making this work, as I am not ready to give up.
A couple of thoughts occur to me:
One, I find it interesting and a little amusing that the woman ranks the lack of sexual satisfaction as a more pressing concern than the fact that her husband has devolved into a worthless piece of shit, and a pitiful excuse for a male. I would venture to conclude that women find sex to be quite important, contra the meme of female sexual frigidity. This might also explain why jobless, loser alphas can still score hotties: as long as the sex is good, character deficiencies can be rationalized away. My guess is that women will be less concerned about male promiscuity when choosing a mate than men.
Two, gaming and porn use are not attractive to women. Virtual reality may be interesting to the more neutered young males of modern society, but they do not inspire the tingles. Especially when one is playing videos games and watching porn instead of doing something productive, like having a job or, in the absence of a job, taking care of the house. Getting upset at having any form of responsibility doesn’t engender attraction, either, apparently.
Three, not all women are heartless bitches. It seems to be a meme, albeit a rather cartoonish one, that all women are the devil incarnate, sent straight from the bowels of hell to destroy men in the pursuit of short-sighted, selfish gold-digging. There are certainly some decidedly evil women in this world, but it must also be remembered that a) agood number of men are pure shit and b) not all, and perhaps not even most, women are like that. It’s nice to see that there are apparently some women who are still committed enough to their marital vows to try to make things work even when doing so seems insurmountably difficult.