05 February 2017

Scaring Bad Boys, Part II

More Caldo:
Dalrock wrote a post commenting on Scott’s post and elaborated in a similar direction as one of my previous essays. While I agree with what both Scott and Dalrock are seeing–the foolishness and the empty posturing–I do wonder what we should expect of most men. I’m much smarter than the average guy, yet my blog isn’t brimming with answers. And it is by far average guys who say things like, “I’ll be cleaning my gun when my daughter’s date gets here.” They’re fantasizing. It’s a really stupid fantasy with contradictions and perversion, but its seed is a honorable desire to protect their daughters. That desire is wholly frustrated because we live in a really shitty culture. Dissolute elites and social science freaks have spent years undermining husbands and outlawing every embodiment of patriarchy. Fathers have been legally emasculated so that no man may truly say it was he who protected his family.
Of course, the reason why Cane’s blog isn’t brimming with answers in spite of his alleged higher intelligence is rather simple:  he’s asking the wrong question.  Instead of asking how to prevent daughters from dating bad boys, it is considerably better to ask how to cause daughters to marry Godly men.  (Of course, if Protestants were wise and discerning, they’d be Orthodox.)  Incidentally, causing daughters to marry Godly men will also solve the “dating bad boys” problem.

At any rate, the first step is to identify what constitutes a Godly man.  To that end, I would suggest that a Godly man is one who is serious in his duties to imitate God as a dear child.  Since God is love, it follows that a Godly man is a loving man, which means that he takes on the attributes of love as described in I Corinthians 13:
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
The second step is for fathers to make following the lead of a Godly man the default mindset for their daughter, which means exemplifying these virtues.  Fathers must personify love in their interactions with their family.  People are creatures of habit and often rely on habits and patterns of behavior developed in their youth (hence why boys “turn into” their dads when they get older and why girls “turn into” their moms).  Old habits die hard, if they die at all.  Instilling good behavioral and interactional habits in one’s daughters will do more to ensure they marry good men then owning a shotgun ever could.  Conversely, one’s daughter will have a hard time being married to a Godly man if she has no experience interacting with a Godly man while growing up.  To that end, her relationship with her father and his example of Godly behavior are crucial to her successfully marrying and remaining married to a Godly man.

Finally, fathers need to make a concerted effort to identify Godly young men that would be suitable for marriage and strongly encourage their daughters to marry them.  Godly young men are not going to be boastful or self-seeking, and should display some degree of respect and consideration towards one’s daughter, as well as a degree of deference to her father.  As such, fathers will need to make some effort towards facilitating a relationship between his daughter and a deserving young man.*

It is human nature to want to avoid pain, embarrassment, and shame.  No loving father wants to see his daughter marry an asshole.  However, mere avoidance is a losing strategy.  A father who wants what is best for his daughter will need a vision for her to follow, and will do everything he can to make it come true.

* It is telling that there is an inverse correlation between arranged marriages and divorce, and a direct correlation between social/cultural stability and arranged marriages.  Arranged marriages correlate well with preserving social bonds and cultural sustainability and with low rates of divorce.  Thus, a father that is serious about preserving his lineage is likely one who makes an effort to ensure his children marry well.

Scaring Bad Boys

On the topic of “Shotgun Dads” trying to scare their daughters’ dates or boyfriends, Scott wrote: 
    Set aside all the stuff you tell yourself and probably your wife about “traditional values and gender roles” or whatever. You cannot, in todays world seriously plan on carrying out any of these threats. You are puffing out your chest to “scare” off the “bad” boys, who know you are full of crap.He’s right. And if the date in question really is a bad boy this attitude is helpful to him for a couple reasons. First of all, any girl who is entertaining a bad boy is expressing to her father that his approval is meaningless. Attempts to warn off a bad boy heighten the stakes of the game she is playing. The most likely outcome is that she will do more with the bad boy, and sooner. Second, bad boys don’t want permission. They are planning to leave after they’ve had their fun any way. A father who falsely threatens is dancing to the same song as the bad boy. 
The best foil to the plans of bad boys and the girls who want them is to trap them in forced commitment. If only someone had thought of that. 
    16 “If a man seduces a virgin who is not betrothed and lies with her, he shall give the bride-price for her and make her his wife. 17 If her father utterly refuses to give her to him, he shall pay money equal to the bride-price for virgins.
Alternatively, we could look to the New Testament for a solution:
“A certain man had two sons. And the younger of them said to his father, ‘Father, give me the portion of goods that falls to me.’ So he divided to them his livelihood.”
Threatening bad boys with a shotgun is foolish because it doesn’t address the root of the problem.  It’s the girl who is foolish and short-sighted, and the only solution to that problem is to let her find out firsthand why it is foolish and short-sighted to date bad boys.  So, give her your blessing and tell her that she should move out and live with him.  Hopefully she’ll come to her senses sooner rather than later.

Obviously, this isn’t a neat or easy solution, nor is it guaranteed to work, as she may ultimately being given over to uncleanness and lust.  However, if your daughter grows up and dates bad boys, you’ve already had a long string of small failures as a father, so all that’s left is an extreme, last ditch effort to impress upon her the wrongness of her choice.  In the end, a daughter that dates bad boys is proof that you’ve (likely) been extremely negligent as a father and you’ve been focused on the wrong thing.  At this point, all that you can do is abandon her and leave her to her own devices because that’s what you’ve been doing all along.